I buy the nicest things from a super market store
Vitamin land and marzipan and I know just what they’re all for
I’ve organized my useless life in a way I’ve never done before
Even visit the dentist now
But I’ve got no time for silly chitter chatter
I’ve Got A Thing About Seeing My Grandson Grow Old
Yusuf (Cat Stevens)
The last two weeks I’ve been depressed. Not that ‘can’t get out of bed, life is meaningless, suicidal ideation’ kind of depressed – just the regular kind. The kind where it’s like the opacity on your life has been turned down to 60% and you’re just kind of drifting.
I mentioned last week that I’ve created this coping mechanism for my anxiety and obsessive qualities. I always took that as a point of pride, that I’ve been able to control it on my own for the most part. I’ve never medicated myself in earnest (although I’ve tried a smattering of SSRIs and anxiety meds, I haven’t ever taken any for more than a couple months at a go).
But the last couple weeks my schedule has been off. And the most detrimental shift that can happen to my schedule is fucking around with Sunday.
I covet Sunday. I protect it fiercely. I desperately DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING SUNDAYS (unless that thing is make a lot of soup. I would gladly stay in and make soup with someone on a Sunday.) Sunday is the day where I go grocery shopping, make a bunch of food, and otherwise prepare for the week. If I miss Sunday I end up doing things like buying lunch all week and becoming overcome with anxiety.
So, I have two possible takeaways: a) I’ve done an incredible job of creating rituals in my life that keep me organized and help me manage my anxiety, or b) The fact that my anxiety goes sky-high when I don’t complete these rituals is, in and of itself, problematic. This is third-wave me: realizing that what I thought all along was helping me is, in actuality, an unhealthy crutch.
Yesterday was Saturday. We had no kids this weekend (our family is a scaled down Brady Brunch configuration wherein we don’t have kids every-other weekend) and I desperately wanted to do nothing. All day. And we did! We watched four Jaws movies and only left the house for a short while to attend the tasting room opening for a local meadery our friend works for (check them out: Stung Fermented). We also made nachos and slept in until noon. It was singular perfection.
So today, because we did nothing all day yesterday, the husband asks to go on a hike. Which, I wanted to do too – kind of. I did nothing yesterday so I should get out of the house and do a bit of breathing outside air and walking. But, I say no because I know that missing another Sunday in a row is really going to throw me off organizationally and emotionally. And then I’m thinking, God – I can’t actually do anything because I’m kind of a slave to these rituals I’ve created for myself. AND I’m making my husband a slave to them too, because now he can’t go on a hike since it’ll give me a panic attack at some future date. Or maybe I’m just putting too much emphasis on it and everyone does this. IDK.
Overthinking things is also one of my specialties, so it’s hard to know when I’m over-thinking verses typical-thinking.
So, yes – today I went to the store and cooked all day and otherwise prepared for the week. I know what you’re all waiting for: Did I keep to my budget and Win The Day? Drumroll…
I was worried this week, coming off of last week’s crushing defeat, but I pulled it together! Plenty of veg and even some expensiver non-food items like shampoo, lady face soaps and delicate lotions. Also, a coworker Snapchat-ed me a picture of his weekly grocery bill that was under $100. That was super cool! I started a thing that other people want to do too!
I made delicious curry coconut dal for this week’s lunches, as well as put together a dinner menu that assures equal parts culinary delight and complaints from the kids.
I’m becoming less enchanted with the dishwasher soap I made a few weeks back. My dishes are cloudy. My crystal glasses, foggy. I’m going to try buying some commercial rinse agent and see if that alleviates the issue. Also, the laundry detergent doesn’t make my clothes smell like laundry much at all, even though I poured an entire bottle of over-priced essential oil into the batch. Back when I was poor I would buy whatever laundry soap was the cheapest, never knowing you had to buy Tide to get your clothes to actually smell like laundry. Then I became less-poor, so I bought Tide and relished in my perpetual laundry smell. Then I became the kind of not-poor, privileged white person who thinks, Fuck the system! I have time and resources and will now MAKE my laundry detergent! all the while missing the calming, reassuring scent of Tide. DAMN YOU TIDE!
I’m looking forward to a better week. I have successfully completed my Sunday Ritual and have appeased the gods of anxiety. And if it doesn’t end up working out, I’ve at least got these damn good-looking tacos to look forward to Friday night.
See you all next week.